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rugessnomesomething set me thinking about how I've spent very nearly all my life (99%+) in circumstances where I've felt the need to censor myself... like literally scissor out parts of myself, before showing me to other people.
like if I can't perform the right words and right attitudes at a practically inhuman level, I should shut up
if I can't just up and doormat submit to the wildly vacillating party line, I shouldn't show my face/my avatar. (especially all the villain ones)
(I'm as bad as and as good as the crowd featured in We Shall All Be Healed, but I can't convince myself to even put semi-permanent dye in my hair)
...I'm tired
I think about trying to find in-person friends and not only am I hampered by all this^ but I'm the wrong kind of queer for the avenues I see set before me, and I don't even know what to talk about
hell, somebody I already have a parasocial relationship with is all very blunt and in some ways it feels freeing but it feels like there's still the prospect of eventually rehashing the cold war *headdesk* ...and they don't like my probably favorite character from the Fandom That Must Not Be Engaged With but which, alas, binds us together... I don't feel secure enough in friendship to wholeheartedly believe we can agree to disagree on that or like me obtain tolerance for any posts I do about him ...even though I accidentally followed and yet haven't unfollowed tumblrs about things I'm not even really interested in
you know actually I was going through some old posts on a private blog and one thing I said was something about it's not unreasonable to want to NEVER have to think, of oneself, that one should "die and decrease the surplus population" but like... yeah. that's about where my self-worth hovers.
why have I made this public, I don't know.sometimes I think about getting "гласность" tattooed on my ribs ~over my heart, which is a foolishly fanciful gesture and probably a painful place and also it would doubtless comflict with either bra band in healing or the remote future possibility of top surgery
like if I can't perform the right words and right attitudes at a practically inhuman level, I should shut up
if I can't just up and doormat submit to the wildly vacillating party line, I shouldn't show my face/my avatar. (especially all the villain ones)
(I'm as bad as and as good as the crowd featured in We Shall All Be Healed, but I can't convince myself to even put semi-permanent dye in my hair)
...I'm tired
you know actually I was going through some old posts on a private blog and one thing I said was something about it's not unreasonable to want to NEVER have to think, of oneself, that one should "die and decrease the surplus population" but like... yeah. that's about where my self-worth hovers.
why have I made this public, I don't know.
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21/3/22 16:26 (UTC)fwiw, in terms of tattooing, the rib hurts much less than the sternum.