this great unstable mass of blood and foam

[rugessnome]

by circumlocutional means, have slowly gotten to tonight's brainweasels' point:

by evidence/metric of who makes an active effort to interact with me¹, I am less lovable than Darth Vader (*as seen in the plethora of "LukeVader" fics)

by the same evidence, I'm less lovable than how I write Palpatine²...

...

and a lot of it is surely because I have isolation instincts fueled by an abusive parent who was acting based on paranoia³

I don't even mean romantic love. i mean just. friendly

¹: i.e. only my... parents. sort of. I have gone basically no contact with my dad, however, and I ...live with my mom, so...
²: I believe my old therapist once suggested that possibly my great redemption attempts toward villains I identify with was an exercise in trying to... demonstrate that I deserve? love? I don't think he was entirely wrong about this.
³: and underdeveloped social skills due to ...isolation, social anxiety related to an unpredictable and delusional abuser, etc...^4
4: and people are busy with their own lives and I'm not a particularly important person to anyone so...

Comments

[yhlee]

:support support if wanted:

[rugessnome]

<3

[rugessnome]

well, technically I have had communications from the people who run a couple craft groups: the one library group leader had been sending me reminder texts about when the group meets, and the lady who runs the lace group sends out random lacemaking emails almost like other people use facebook sharing but

unfortunately my brain mistrusts that I and not my projects are of any interest to these people. Mistrusts that I would still be acceptable if ...any of so much about my life came up. 🙃

[pauraque]

I'm sorry, that sucks. I have also experienced being abused to the point of being totally isolated and having neither the social skills to de-isolate nor the self-worth to believe anyone would want me to. It was kind of a revelation to me that abusers do this on purpose - an isolated victim has no one to go to for help and gets no perspective on how bad their situation is from anyone outside it, so an abuser who fails to isolate the victim doesn't get to keep it up for very long.

[kaberett]

(Hello. I got overwhelmed and stopped managing to read dreamwidth in about may. I have thoughts about why and intentions about avoiding the same thing happening this year. You are a person I missed.)