this great unstable mass of blood and foam

by circumlocutional means, have slowly gotten to tonight's brainweasels' point:

by evidence/metric of who makes an active effort to interact with me¹, I am less lovable than Darth Vader (*as seen in the plethora of "LukeVader" fics)

by the same evidence, I'm less lovable than how I write Palpatine²...

...

and a lot of it is surely because I have isolation instincts fueled by an abusive parent who was acting based on paranoia³

I don't even mean romantic love. i mean just. friendly

¹: i.e. only my... parents. sort of. I have gone basically no contact with my dad, however, and I ...live with my mom, so...
²: I believe my old therapist once suggested that possibly my great redemption attempts toward villains I identify with was an exercise in trying to... demonstrate that I deserve? love? I don't think he was entirely wrong about this.
³: and underdeveloped social skills due to ...isolation, social anxiety related to an unpredictable and delusional abuser, etc...^4
4: and people are busy with their own lives and I'm not a particularly important person to anyone so...